How To Write Bill Cipher Into A Fanfiction
by MiscellaneousSoup
Summary: A satirical guide to making Bill Cipher as a character! Read and review, if you please! Rated K for completely bizarre weddings!


**A/N: I don't own Bill Cipher, but I do own my thoughts on comedy! Or do I?**

_Step The First: _Even though he only said it once on the show, have him constantly mention that he knows 'lots of things.' It will help to establish that he is, in fact, Bill Cipher.

**Example: **The glowing triangle floated up to the DMV. As the creepy driving teacher stared at him, he placed himself inside of the car and put his stick figure arms onto the steering wheel. He wore a name tag reading, "Hello, my name is Bill Cipher."

The teacher grunted. "Ya sure you passed the written test for this, kiddo? You look nervous."

Cipher giggled and turned blue. "Of course I'm ready. I KNOW LOTS OF THINGS….about Driver's Ed."

The teacher gasped. "Good heavens! You must be that ruffian, Bill Cipher!"

_Step The Second_: Portray him as a trickster. Giggling constantly would be a nice addition.

**Example: **Bill Cipher rubbed his stubby hands together and giggled. "This magic trick will scare everyone!" As he prepared to pull a rabbit out of a goat, he giggled. And giggled. And giggled so hard that he choked. And then performed CPR by giggling.

_Step The Third: _Put him into a relationship with one of the characters, because, why not?

**Example: **The entire marriage hall was draped in white, and each pew was packed with people. Waddles, looking radiant in white, was standing at the front of the hall before Grunkle Stan, who was solemnly performing the ceremony. And beside Waddles was his mate, looking dashing in a fresh bow tie: Bill Cipher.

Mabel wiped a tear from her eye. "They grow up so fast, don't they? Oh, Waddles, I'm so proud!"

Dipper was sobbing into his handkerchief. "Why couldn't it have been meee?"

Soos nudged his hand. "Come on, dude, you know you never had a chance with Bill. i gave up too."

"Do you accept this demon to be your lawfully wedded...thing?" Grunkle Stan asked Waddles.

"Oink," he replied.

"You may now kiss the pig!" Stan announced.

Bill turned to Waddles. "I know lots of things….but what I know most of how is how much I love you!"

_Step The Fourth: _Have him speak like a gangster from the Prohibition age, or Joey.

**Example: **"Nyeh, see! I'm gonna make alla you pay for dis! NYEH! Ya gonna pay for hurting Mugsy, see! CIPHER RAGE!"

_Step The Fifth: _Make insane conspiracy theories about Bill Cipher appear in every sentence, because we don't know anything about him because Alex Hirsch is a writing GENIUS AND OH MY GOSH SO MANY CLIFFHANGERS GRAAAAAAAHHHHHGGGGHH-

**Example: **"What if Bill Cipher is a mummy?" Mabel suggested.

"No, he's too glowy. A Dementor?" Dipper countered.

"No, those are fictional. A fluffy bunny rabbit?" Mabel queried.

"Nah...HEY! What if he's a just an angsty spider-human?" Dipper, the comic geek, said.

"No. Angsty..angsty...A VAMPIRE WHO WILL LOVE ME AND DO HORRIBLE THINGS TO ME AND PEOPLE WILL STILL INSIST THAT IT'S A GOOD STORY?" Mabel fangirled.

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Please. Nothing that ridiculous. What if he's an alien from another planet?"

_Step The Sixth: _All of the previous entries combined.

**Example: **"Nyeh, see! I'm not a Martian!" Bill grumbled-giggled. "Magic, tricks, ha!"

Gideon stared at Bill. "Ah love yew." Literally everyone else in the town murmured their

assent.

Manly Dan looked at the ground and grunted. "I don't love him." He started crying, and weeping. "I LIED! I WANT TO MARRY HIM!" He punched a tree in anger.

Blendin Blandin teleported in. "I am from the future, and we are not married. I WILL INVOKE THE WRATH OF MY KLEENEX SUPERIOR AND ALTER TIME TO RECTIFY THAT!"

All of them ran toward Bill like zombies, clamoring for his attention.

Bill gulped. "I may know lots of things, but I don't know if this is a good idea! All of you, nyeh- BACK, see!" He was engulfed by a sea of admirers and died.

**A/N: Thank you to Akirys for creating the example for the third step! You expanded on an idea, and made it brilliant! Also, you used one of my lines. :) **

**Read and review, if you so choose to! Happy end of Thanksgiving, start of cold weather, and whatever else is going on in your life. **


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